Enough of me

Have you ever read the book, A Fair Bear Share?  Chances are, if you aren't a K-2 teacher, then you probably haven't.  Don't worry, I won't hold your shortcomings against you.  As a teacher, fairness is an upmost priority for me and my students, and trust me, if I ever let anything slip by that isn't fair (which I never do, because I am perfect after all), my students call me out on it faster than an Expo marker can get ruined in the classroom.  A Fair Bear Share is a book that helps my students to learn about equal parts and fractions, but I also use it as powerful teaching tool to help navigate some of those very first grade moments, like.....

"Uh-oh.  If you take all of the markers in the writing center and don't let anyone else use them, is that really a 'fair bear share'?"

Or

"I know you really want another juice box, but there isn't enough for everyone else to have another one, too.  Now, that really wouldn't be a 'fair bear share,' would it?"  (Insert knowing, but loving teacher look [here].)

So, with many fairness issues to deal with on a daily basis at work, it's not uncommon for me to bring some of those very same thoughts home with me each night.  

Are my boys getting a fair share of me?    

Before Jack and Rowan were even born, I was very concerned with fairness. Everything I did, I of course made sure I did times two.  A sweet friend of mine, who also happens to be an awesome mommy herself, suggested that I write a journal for each of the boys.  I started this journal soon after we found out we were expecting.  As with everything, if I wrote a page and a half in Jack's journal, then you better believe I wrote a page and a half in Rowan's journal, too.  It has to be fair, right?  This was only the beginning.....

Once the boys arrived, my fairness issues went into overdrive.  Here my poor little babies were laying by themselves in hospital beds when they should have still been cooking away and relaxing in the womb.  I made it my mission that visits to the NICU were always divided equally.  If I held and fed Jack for an hour, then I also had to hold and feed Rowan for an hour, too.  I would go back and forth like that, making sure they each had their fair share of "mommy love."  If something happened and I couldn't give one the same amount of time, I felt awful!  Ask Jody, he was usually the one who had to hear me whine about it at home.  :)

Now that we've been home for almost six months, fairness still plays a daily role in our lives.  Of course, going to work and being away from them for eight hours at a time makes it worse.  It is very important for me to switch off feedings and play times with the boys.  I often feel guilty if I end up spending more time with one than I do the other.  It's during these moments that I can't help but think about their lives if they didn't have to share a mommy.  Would they be happier?  Would I do a better job?  I realize that I can't think like this.  After all, I'm sure this is how many moms feel who have more than one child.  Twins or not, each child is unique, special, and more than deserving of his or her own mommy time.

So, are my boys getting enough of me?

When I mentioned this fear to another very dear (and wise) friend of my mine, she told me this:

"But Catherine, you've given them the gift of each other."  

And then I realized, that is so true.  How many other people can say that on the day they were born, their best friend was, too?  Yes, my boys need me, and there will be times when one will need me more than the other, but they also have each other.  It is fun AND exhausting to raise twins, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Jack and Rowan are two very special little guys who have SO many different people who love them.  I mean, even my first graders would move mountains for them, and they haven't even met.  When God gave us these little boys to raise, He knew we'd have the support to help give them everything they need.  

Now it is my goal to remember that every diaper I change, every bottle I fill, every toy I play, every song I sing, and every hug I give, is enough of me.